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A Successful Woman is her own Man?

Does Success Have a Gender?

I had an interesting conversation with some fellaz last night and a statement stuck and really disturbed me. One of the gents chimed "the woman of today is her own man!" What?  Yeah, well here is how we got to that. When talking about the reasons the millennial woman marry, I proposed that now more than ever, this woman that includes myself, no longer feels the need to marry for economic reasons. She will most likely marry for love, companionship, to bare children, a myriad of reasons, with economic upliftment ranked lower in the motivations. Essentially she will marry because she wants to. Yes, extended family (and immediate) may put pressure, yes gold diggers exist (and hey that's a strategy in itself), but I'm talking about the self motivated, self assured woman - she will decide for herself, who she will marry and why, because she can. In the gentleman responsible for the comment's view, she is able to do the above because "she is her own man..." Again... WHAT? What does that even mean?

Who is the Successful Woman?
The success I speak of is the holistic one - success in mind, body and soul goes beyond the material, although in this context the gent was most likely referring to material. A successful woman (or one pursuing it), formally educated or not, is a go getter. She doesn't need anyone's permission to pursue whatever she wants to. She works hard, doesn't necessarily come from privilege, she makes opportunities for herself. She wakes up early to study, tend to her garden, home, work and then goes to her day job. Get back from her day job, eats (if she remembers) and works some more.  Sound familiar... Bible reading sisters will cringe and say "Arg Proverbs 31 sentiment" but eish, that's one version of the successful (or pursuing success) millennial woman!  There will absolutely be some deviations, one being that  she's not necessarily married as per the Proverbs 31 example. AND THAT'S OK! (Or so I tell myself every day ... ahem).

So What makes her a Man?
So what about these qualities makes her, her own man?  I guess you'd have to tell me what your view of masculinity is.  The statement "these days women are their own men..." implies that one's ability to self sustain, to pursue goals independent of male input is... masculine?  Really?  Yes business school theory attributes masculine traits in certain cultures to one's degree of self drive, but I'm talking about personal and social qualities in the broader sense.

What Makes a Man?
Please, please tell me... because I thought it was somehow linked to being responsible, accountable, honourable... but wait, a great woman has those qualities too right? When I feel like punking out, or running away from something I should really pursue, I tell myself to "WOMAN UP." Why? Because a great woman gets on with it, but a great woman also knows when to take a breather and when I'm pushing myself too hard, I tell myself to "WOMAN UP!" too. Hang on a sec...Dare I assume that masculinity and womaninity are interchangeable?  One in the same? Waaaaait? Does this mean gender bias/labelling is irrelevant when it comes to substance. Does one's character, integrity, discipline, compassion, trump gender lines? In my humble opinion, if it doesn't it should!

In Shona these traits are summed up in one word "hunhu." In English one option is the word "substance..."

A successful woman in not her own man! She's simply a person worth her salt a.k.a "munhu ane substance" (Shong-Lish for "a person with substance").

Comments

  1. A repetition of a story I've heard too many times, but it was very good to hear it from your fresh perspective Tendi.

    Here is my comment as a single (eh hem) Christian man. I think the economics of a relationship are absolutely inescapable. Money will always be a large gear that turns in relationships, but, what changes is our attitude towards it. That said, the reason some men find women who are "go-getters" intimidating is because they simply cannot compliment those efforts which affects their masculinity - by their fault or otherwise.

    If a man feels he has nothing to contribute he is likely to show insecurities in very negative ways - hurtful sentiments, cheating, anger / aggression or just plain 'ol "ghosting". It is important for a woman in a relationship is humility (submission)- don't confuse that with forceful subjugation (as many do) or toning down your aggressive attitude towards success - the bible says "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.", which (as far as im understand) entails sharing those great ambitions and allowing a man to play his role in that success too- whether that role is picking up the kids and cooking so you have time to work, or providing financial support, be with a man you can trust with your dream as you trust God with your dream. Where to find such a man is beyond even me though, only God can help with that!

    Great read, keep them coming!

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  2. Aaaah, we live in a patriarchal world where even the Lord is 'masculine'. So masculine qualities are naturally seen to be THE qualities to strive for. Reality is that to be a successful leader/partner/spouse/friend, we actually need to (Wo)man UP....so have a good mix of traditionally masculine and feminine characters

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  3. After two years of marriage I have learnt that as much as I am an independent woman , there are just some things my husband is better at. For instance , he champions our sexual life andI drive the communication. We ebb and reach to find a middle ground for whatever the issue is. This is not to say this is where all couples fall but I am of the belief that gender roles existed for a purpose and along the way , like with most power dynamics, someone tilted the scales and we found an imbalance.
    Pertinent to your blog however, is that we also view these roles as non-negotiable and so we feel stuck to these societies definitions of what a woman is and what her man must do! Or in this case what type of personal traits are attributed to men and women. Anything outside this meets with fierce resistance or the need to negotiate the space aggressively.
    Ultimately, i think , at the family level moving away from these set conditions and also realising that truly love and marriage (being together) is about surrender of self. If both of you can do this or come close to this, there is something magical that happens. Equally important is the realisation that there is only the two of you in the relationship and society will always have an opinion.

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